CSI Discovering God

CSI Investigating God's Mysteries by Stephen J. Jeffries
　
Anyone who knows me well, is sure to know how much I watch television. Through a life time of watching television, I have become enthused about a certain series and very much unenthused about the same series in the same season of viewing. As of late I continue to be excited about watching any of the CSI dramas that began in Las Vagas and continued intoNew York and Miami. The story lines are always interesting, sometimes relevant to life and generally a mystery solved by using current scientific methods that on the surface appear to be magic.
My Christian life and beliefs can be compared to these CSI investagations only without the victum lying in the street or in a morgue. Since I was old enough to think and reason, I have investigated and searched for answers to what being a follower of Christ really means. When I was first Baptized, I was told and believed with all my heart that the mystery was over and all the troubles of this nine year old boy, would be washed away in that baptizimal pool. From now on if I did every thing the Bible said to do or not do my world would be magically transformed. Pray and "wallah" I would receive the stuff of life to include but now be limited to health, wealth and happiness.
The promise of "life everlasting" became my number one goal in life. In order to reach this goal upon my death, I had to become worthy of God's love and completly free of sin. If I did fail to live up to God's expectations, I would need only to admit my "sins" and God's magic would "save" me again.
As I grew as a young Christian, I looked to my baptism and to monthly communion for the continued magic of God. I was taught earlyon that communion was a way of remembering the horor of the crucifixtrion and the magic of resurection and that I most certainly was unworthy of God's love.
It took me years of searching and investagating my own faith before I came to the realization that God is not and never has been about magic.
I think I first incountered this loss of magic the months after my dad passed away. When I was called to Methodist Hospital after his heart burst , I did the only thing I knew how to do. I prayed. I prayed for God's magic to heal my dad and never once even dreamed that God would not miraculacely bring my dad back to me. After standing by while the doctors ripped his chest open to repair his damaged heart, I saw him go from a lifeless shell back to the man I loved with all my heart. We brought him home on January first and God's promise was complete until seventeen days later when I got the call that he had gone to sleep and just didn't wake up.
Was it my fault? Had God judged me unworthy of this answered prayer? Had I not prayed enough? The questions and soon anger abounded toward God. Every thing I had ever been taught about prayer went into question. Not only did I question being good enough for God, I questioned if my dad, the man who was my Christian guild and mentor, was worthy of being given his life back.
I soon went from anger at God, to anger at myself for beleiving in prayer. I was angey that If God wasn't going to heal dad completly, than why did he need to go through that horrible open heart surgury, and why had I selfishly prayed so fervently for this to happen. I was so guilty of wanting to hang on to him, I put him through "hell" on earth.
It has been a gradual and sometimes incomplete journey to erase the magic out of God's love. I choose now to believe in and search for meaning in the mystery of what it means to follow Jesus. Like the CSI investagators I continue to find new ways to discover what the "truth" is. Whether it is the magic of a newly discovered DNA test that confirms a person's existance and follows them like a finger print or a high powered microscope or computer that brings evidance to light that the human eye is unable to see or comprehend, the CSI uses science not magic to solve their mysteries. To the average untrained person their "tests" look like magic. But the reality is that the tests and investagations conducted in these labratories are done with the brains and intelligence of humankind and not the slight of hand or tricks that past generations would consider in trying to answer life's questions. In our Christian investagations it is our intelect , tempered with life experience that continues to shines a light on the world around us and answers questions that before seemed unanswerable.
The mystery of why my Dad died that day in January will never be answered for me, but I don't blame God for not being magical and I don't blame myself for not being good enough. The honest truth is I am still searching for the answer to why we pray. I feel strongly that we are called to communicate with God and live with a constant presence of his being. But this remains a mystery and I have come to accept that some questions may never be answered.
In many churches in our country and around the world Christians are taught to not question the magic of God. Those same people are taught to take the Bible as the literal word of God. Of course most generaly they are taught to skip over certain parts and hightlight others.
God spoke directly to us through the biblical writers and just the suggestion of adding to or subtracting from this "Magical Holy Word" would be the ultimant sin. Do not get me wrong. I believe in and love the Bible. I find peace and understanding almost every time I read it. But I am not "in love" with the Bible. I have come to believe that some turn the Bible into an idol as much as the early jews created idols and graven images out of their gold. I see us doing the same thing with our church buildings and often times those church leaders that we choose to place on pedestals and elevate to a place of authority, being convinced that they are bearers of the" truth".
We all seek to solve the mysteries of God in different ways. Reading the Bible, singing songs, meditating over a sunset all become ways to place ourselves in the presence of God. I discovered years ago that the simple act of opening the palms of my hands and turning them upward on my lap,usually during a spiritual song, can for me be a conduit that draws the spirit of God into me, and gives me a vivid feeling of the precence of God. Life makes it hard to be in a continueal presence but if we keep seeking His presence, what ever that means to each of us , the pains and troubles as well as the joys and triumphs become easier to bear.
　
I find great joy in knowing in my heart that Kevin and Wyatt continue to teach us and prepare us with the "tools" and "tests" that will help us solve the CSI -Christ Scene Investations- of our life. The mysteries of Jesus and God may never be tied up a in pretty package like on televison but we can surly continue to seek ways to answer the mysteries of God and in doing so, place ourselves in the continueal presence of God.